| hey you kids who love to go to nyc!! |
[04 Jun 2006|06:28pm] |
The ACC art club needs people to fill the bus to NYC!!!!
It's Saturday, June 10.
35$ if you're a student, 40$ for all non-students.
It's the best fare around people!
You don't have to drive there...
don't have to waste your gas...
and you don't have to worry about parking and your car being safe.
The bus leaves Asnuntuck parking lot promptly at 8 am.
We will drop you at one of two places: The Metropolitan Museum of Fine Arts or Time Square.
After drop off you will have the entire day to do whatever the hell you want.
The bus leaves NYC promptly at 8 pm.
Please. This is an all-call to any and everyone I know in the CT/MA area.
Help the ACC Art Club fill this bus!
Contact Maribeth for details.
of if you dont know her
send me a message and i will contact her.
|
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|
[29 Apr 2006|04:38am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
greg brown- spring wind |
] |
about halfway through the week my mind decided that the mixture of benadrill and prednisone didn't exactly...
mix well and make for the best sleep.
so i laid in bed and wrote.
everyday
without fingers
because if i was actually able to look at my fingers, let alone open my eyes,
i would see my horrible yellow crusted body and break down and cry.
i don't know whats worse:
crying or not having the ability to.
if i were able to cry id like to think that i would have at least felt some sense of relief.
so my body became one with my sheets,
as my sheets became crusty and stuck to my stomach,
much like the tissues that became one with the tips of my ear, and other parts of my face.
a mess: pretty much sums it up.
and i could just lay there and think
and i know it may sound like i was going crazy,
but i think
i've felt everything and entire person may feel in a whole year about themselves,
in the reality of just a week.
i hated myself.
i loved myself.
i loved my friends.
i missed my friends.
i missed strangers and strange acquaintances.
i missed driving and worrying about how star bucks caramel fraps were going to make me fat.
i didnt eat and i felt skinny.
i could finally open my mouth and eat a piece of toast
and it was the best taste i had ever felt.
i wanted to be in love.
i wanted to be under the stars on the purple afghan thats resting on the back seat
in my car that my grandmother made me for christmas,
(that has a rip in it, but i couldn't tell her that it did because she worked so hard on it and was so proud to give it to me.)
i wanted to look at another persons face and smile for no reason
but the pure fact that they were smiling at me for no reason
but the pure fact that i was smiling at them.
i wanted to remember just how good that felt.
i wanted to make fun of someone and generally not hurt their feelings
and have them make fun of me back.
sometimes you dont know how good these things really can be.
i wanted to feel.
but all i could do was lay there and want to feel so much
but i couldnt experience anything.
i stood in the shower and it actually hurt my hands
to wash my hair,
i screamed, attempting to cry,
i shrieked that i wanted to die,
when i really didn't want to.
all i really wanted to do was live.
and i know
this will seem overly dramatic coming from me,
a person you hardly even know,
or maybe a person that is very close to you.
and you will see me today, or tomorrow, or thursday,
and my gross dry patchy red flakey face, skin, and hands,
and you won't think that i am beautiful.
and i will agree.
i'll probably be having an insecure i feel fat and look like crap day
and maybe it will bother me,
but right now i feel like...
we arent made to feel beautiful everyday of our lives.
i feel it is impossible and probably something that we are never suppose to feel
because when i think to myself,
when were the times you felt the best, happiest, and that everything was going to be alright?
it is not everyday
its rare.
and it think it's what makes it so special and so worth it
to not let anyone make you feel like
you can't feel it
its so wrong.
and i know for a fact that i will feel bad, insecure, fat, materialistic, ugly, unintelligent
and it isnt like i am never going to cry over it
but i am never going to allow myself to shut it off inside of me.
i am going to allow myself feel
and i think that if i can do this
then i will appreciate a lot more in life.
like driving home at 2 am and having a song
finally mean something to you,
beyond your imagination of another person in place of the song,
but to just to have it mean something to you...
even if the words arent right.
and to open your car door and look up at the stars and just know where you are
it's amazing.
editors note!!:
my brother drunk dialed me from the streets of boston shortly after i had written and sang me all the words he knew, or could er..remember to puff the magic dragon
and told me that he loved me and hoped i was doing ok.
i laughed for a good five solid minutes at 3 am.
it was great.
|
|
| poem attempt....its been a while |
[17 Feb 2006|02:29am] |
i dont want to look at you
as much as i dont want to look at myself.
if i squint enough
and dim the lights
everything is perfectly skewed to the way it was
before nothing began
and it was just a face in the distance
so close i chose not to look.
i memorized my feet, your outline,
the walls, and everything but
your face.
there were reasons that i did not directly look
at you
but that was too long ago to remember
too much has happened
too much has changed
and still
i couldnt look at your face
i memorized everything but
your face.
so now all that can
come back to haunt me are
your words
and i dont know which is worse.
i think the idea of you is the worst idea
ever put into my brain and i
still cant recall what was said or done
to make it last this long
to make it last more than
one night
to make it become a part of who i am
or who i was
cause you see,
you changed me.
i think we were always strangers
who never wanted to be
and now its gotten to the point where
i cant even look at myself
just like the way that i cant even look at you.
somethings gone from me
and somethings there
in you
that never should have been
and it came from me
so small in you
so insignificant to you
such a large piece of me.
and i feel too many words
come out of my head
and i guess not enough of them came out of
my lips
you'll never know
and its alright with you
just like it always was
just like it always is.
i guess its time to turn on the lights
and open my eyes
and look around to see your not even there
and i guess what i'll never know
is if you
ever really were there
to begin with.
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| ranting...whoa there..ok i think thats enough |
[10 Feb 2006|11:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wilco- say you miss me |
] |
the worst feeling in the world
is supressing feelings
keeping them to yourself
but really honestly truely
there are now things about myself that i dont want to tell people
wow
id never think that about myself
im pretty much an all around
i can tell anyone anything
person
i'm moody lately
in one instance
my step dad will say something to me
in a tone that clearly makes him sound like an asshole
and i close the door
and it takes everything in me not to burst into tears
i dont know why
but anything he says can just push me over the edge when hes not faking a nice friendly conversation
and then in another instance im running on a tread mill
sweating
and i get off of it and feel great
take a shower
and its only when i put on clothes
that i hate my horrible discusting body.
and then there are of course
good instances
where people randomly call me and ask me to hang out
which makes me happy beyond belief
cause it means that someone wanted to do something fun
and thought of me...
i dont know i guess its just good to know someone cares
and little things like that express it
and then there are times when
i am calling eight million people and no one is responding
and i think
hm
this is just like high school...
i hate organizing anything
and i think its because of this
that this sememster i just wont see anyone anymore
which brings me back to all the other feelings
i have to sit with
and supress
and it brings me back to me feeling
finally ok with the whole situation
and then i realize that my twister board is at his house.
ok
so what?
you lost a twister board...
but no
then my fucking dreams have to remind me-
they not only bring me back to his house
but they bring me back to him
and honestly
i know i was all like
oh ok
i can be friends with him
but i think if i ever saw him in the street
i would have to resist the urge to punch him in the face
how
can you go through so much
with a person
and then have them
want to basically pretend that it never happened
by basically
not wanting to see you
again
or basically
removing themselves from your life?
...basssicalty.....
i dont understand people.
and the more i think about him
the more i am so angry at him
and so angry at myself
and i wish
i could have him erased from me
like in eternal sunshine
because
there is no part of me that wants to be with him
but just thinking about him hurts me
i just feel so
used
even though thats not the word for what we had
but i feel used up
and useless...empty even...
or more like i'm hollow.
theres nothing left in me.
and this is scaring me
because i havent felt that way for a long time
and i remember what it was like
and i really
really
do not want to go back to feeling completely bad about myself
because then i will go no where in life
and besides not knowing where i want to go in life
having no confidence to do so....
its just going to destroy me.
supress superss supress
and then there are everyday feelings
that seem so everyday
but when i start thinking about them
more it becomes
not just a feeling here or there
but i think its something deeper
and i really cant do this to myself
i really cant start to like anyone
not now
especially not the person that i'm starting to.
and dont even ask
cause i wont even tell
see what i mean?!!
thats not even me!
where have i gone?'
and why is everything moved over in my live journal!!
i cant read anything :(
so im going to boston tonight
to party with my brother
and honestly
i dont even feel like doing that
everything i feel like doing
i just cant do
cause life
is just not like that.
i need a moment or two
a really honest moment
something that i know is real.
wow...
im such a fucking hippy
suck it up kristen.
maybe i'm the one who just needs to be real.
yeah..
.
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| we will speak before we know, we will reach but never go |
[04 Feb 2006|12:29pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
it beats like trains- sundays best |
] |
all you need is love...
bum bah nah nah nah nah nah
all you need is love....
yah dah dah dah dah dah
all you need is LOVE love LOVE love.
love is all you need.
first of all,
all you live journal readers
a.k.a. RANDY and DAN and even GIGS
check out this site: www.pandora.com
it will change your life.
second of all:
its time for a real entry.
recently i have discovered a lot about myself.
so we all know that i talk...
A LOT
but actually i have come to understand that
i am a pretty good listener
and if you just let people talk and get out all of their emotions
you can understand so much about a person.
i feel like
in all my 19 years of living
i have never known so much about
- my father
and
- my cousin kate
obviously i grew up with my father always around
but lately i find myself
wanting to go over and have dinner with him
just to talk
and vent
and listen to him vent.
we are so much alike
and there is probably not much that i cant say to him...
(a few wild drunken stories here and there)
but pretty much my dad knows everything about me
and all the relationships with all the people in my life
just going on walks
and talking for hours about life, and religion, music...
it just makes me feel like a better person,
not becasue i am talking to my father
but just because i am talking and have so much to say
about life.
sometimes i feel like i have the short end of the stick...
i'm not a very intellectual person
i cant talk about politics
and i cant talk about sciences, and there is so much going on in the world
that i cant understand
but to be able to talk about your feelings.
wow...
i dont know its just so amazing.
and to have someone know you that well
is huge
because not only do they know your feelings
but they understand them
and i totally understand my dad as well.
its just an amazing connection, that i am glad to have in my life.
and also i used to see kate AT LEAST once a week
when i was growing up.
slept over almost every friday night, made forts, played pretend,
eventually went on to playing cards and making necklaces.
and now we dont really see each other that often
so we really dont know whats going on in each others lives.
and i dont know what it is
about me...
ive always wanted to be the one to help someone
to offer advice
but because i havent have that many experiences in life
i come up short with what to say
but last night i brought kate home
and we literally talked about her life and mine from like...
11 till around 1:30 am.
and not only that...
but she said some pretty amazing inspiring things
that i never would have guessed kate could say
not that i doubt her ability to be an inspiring person
i have just never seen that side of her
maybe because i never shut up
or maybe because i never talked to her about anything so personal.
i've just seen so much more of them...
not really in person lately
but just from listening to what they have to say...
ah
i just feel
like my lungs are full of fresh air
i just feel jump started
or something
because lately i feel like...
nothing.
just every sense of the word...
whats new?
nothing
whats up?
nothing?
what are you feeling?
nothing.
and when i say this
i sound so sad
and you know what,
sometimes i am that sad that nothing is happening
but i have to tell you
i did absolutely nothing last night
besides go to friendlys with edwin kristen and kate
and talk to kate
and i am probably in one of the best moods i have been in a long time.
whenever i figure what it that i want to be when i grow up
it has to include
learning about people
i have decided.
and i am going to make today a good day
and use this energy up for as long as i can
to make the following days
not so sad
and not so nothing,
but something
even if it comes from more totally beautiful nothing nights.
|
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| so... |
[23 Jan 2006|02:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
counting crows |
] |
roughly around 9 pm
my brother calls me crying
so hard that i can barely make out the words
he is in boston
and says he wants to go to dennys
around 2 am
we all decide to leave dennys
but before we do
i get to see my brother laughing
so hard that i can barely recognize his face
and i am told i am one of the funniest people that mike knows.
inbetween these two time periods their was
advice
pregnancy tests
brownie sundays
no dinasaurus nuggets
cheese fries
a raspberry ice tea that never came
hetero life mate bonding between a lesbian male and a gay male
and lots of words that i cant seem to remember now....
sometimes
it really takes nights like these
to know that
the people who are in your life
are there for a reason...
they want to be
and they love you
and would do anything for you to feel better
even take a pregnancy test in the bathroom at dennys
just to say that it was done
because clearly,
who hasnt taken a pregnancy test at dennys?
and even though i'm ready to pass out right now
from lack of sleep
its nights like these
that wake me up.
|
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|
[19 Jan 2006|09:13pm] |
i walk through the halls
and everything seems stale
and old like i've worn out my welcome.
and even the music from the radio station
on the tv above my head
knows that i'm sad
as it provides theme music for me to walk to
theme music for me to frown to.
i dont look up when i turn the corner because
there isn't anyone that i want to see
anymore
not here
and i mumble
"i've got to get out of here"
but when i truely think about what i've just said
it doesn't make sense
where would i go?
and what would i find?
sometimes when all you want from life
is to be happy
you can't really live
you're stuck into thinking there are things
that you could have said or done differently
and by doing so you could
be back in one of those moments
those semi-perfect moments when
maybe you didnt know how it would turn out
and maybe you didnt care
but somehow there was a smile on your face
and thats all you ever wanted to be:
just
a smile in a moment.
but life keeps going
everyday
once you slow down your pace
you can never catch up
unless you stop thinking that there was
something could have said,
something more you could have done.
walking towards my car
in the parking lot glass after glass
car after car
there i am
through the corner of my eye i can not recognize
my face
and i stop to really look an see
this is who i am,
this iswhat i've done
and i can't change that
but maybe there are somethings
that i can change
that i want to change
i just dont know if i can
catch up, when everything around me is
so slow.
when all i feel like doing
is going back and all i want
to be is just a smile in a moment
and i know this is hard to understand
but sometimes i'd rather
just feel something
than understand everything
sometimes...
i just want to feel a moment
and smile
again.
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| you were right about the stars, each one is a setting sun. |
[18 Jan 2006|10:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
so just an f.y.i.
update on my life...
its over
not that i want it to be
and not that he wants it to be
but for reasons
its over.
and i am hurt
and i know everyone out there thinks
that travis is a jerk, and an asshole
and that he doesnt deserve me.
but its not true.
he is a nice guy.
thats why this is really hard...
we left it pretty open
"call me if you want to"
"i'll be around"
which it pretty much always was
so if i seem down lately
and distant
its because i am.
i am not going to apologize
its just how its going to be.
"i'll call you when i grow up"
i hope that doesnt take too long.
but i know...
it probably will never happen.
|
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| nothing is real...everyones saying different things to me. |
[14 Jan 2006|01:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mixes |
] |
do you ever wish you could just remove a person from your life?
not because of hate
not even because of dislike
because you know that someone isnt suppose to be in your life
how do you just...
go back?
you cant
everything is changed
but why?
i cant figure out for the life of me why
i know it is all because of me
and i am the reason
but
i dont know
why
i do the things that i do
and just like you cant just take a person
out of your life
you cant just put a person back in
when all the inbetween has happened
when their gone
even if they were to come back
they are gone.
i miss her
i miss doing nothing
and feeling beautiful
just by being myself
and feeling like it was more than enough
for me
and for another person
i havent felt that way in a good long time
i havent felt ramdom and beautiful and
really
i just havent felt like me.
|
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| could you whisper in my ear...the things you want to feel? |
[09 Jan 2006|02:25am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
slide- goo goo dolls |
] |
the more i talk about my problems with people
the less and less problematic...(is that a word!?) they become
sometimes i really need to take a gigundous step backward
and look at the big picture...
trouble is the picture keeps getting bigger (ani difranco quote)
its really just when i sit around
and devote time to thinking
that my thoughts physically hurt me
i would like to devote more time
towards living
and talking to people
and learning
i'm really glad i got to see my friends from high school this week
and although we didnt do anything tonight
and we were sitting there going
"lets do something!"
doing nothing was pretty great...
i mean
you would think that after a couple years of not saying anything
to people you used to say things to everyday
it would be awkward to be in that position again...
i think its a wonderful feeling
to see how your friends have grown and changed
and to see how some things never really do.
i'm really proud and
just really happy to see what they are becoming...
its really just amazing.
and the talk with scott gigs and kristen in the car
and how it continued when we got to dennys with rosca
is something i'll always remember...
not for what was said
but because the comfort of the advice
and just knowing that i can be that comfortable
being so personal with them...
especially not seeing scott and gigs for long periods of time
it makes me feel really lucky inside.
and i'm not sitting here trying to think of something positive to say
its just that sometimes emotions cloud up other ones
and build up so much that they clutter inside of you
and push the simplest
most obviously beautiful things into a corner
and you cant find them
you dont even try to search for them
and you cant see them
until you clear some of that clutter up
and sometimes the only way to do it
is to just do it
and i'm glad that i have people in my life
that allow me to just do it.
i'm on a communication kick
a high if you will
im going to stop holding back
tomorrow i'm going to talk the fuck out of him
and hes going to know how i feel
and hes going to take it or leave it
and hopefully
what i really want to achieve with all of this
is not to know
what we are
and not to know
whats going to happen
i simply just want to know
how he feels...
if he cant let me know...
then i know its not going to be worth it...
but honestly
i dont know.
so we'll see.
i feel like driving.
we'll see.
|
|
| thinking and thinking and thinking |
[07 Jan 2006|02:00am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cannonball- damine rice. |
] |
fuck communication.
why cant people speak their feelings?
they form words in your head
so what gets lost inbetween?
is it possible to end something
if it doesnt exist?
i know i said this is what i wanted
but what i really want
just doesnt exist
ever
and when it does
you ignore it
because you always want something more
and now here it is
and i have no idea what i am going to do.
bittersweet...ironic...karma...
save your big words
you know this is going no where.
|
|
| hey you. |
[05 Jan 2006|02:11am] |
yes you.
cheer the fuck up.
that is all.
|
|
| i'm a really really really good liar. |
[02 Jan 2006|03:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nervous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the shins- new slang |
] |
i didnt think i would be this nervous...
and theres no where to go but here.
my mom is going in for surgery tomorrow.
sigh
i dont know
they say procedures like this are safe but
last time when she had brain surgery...
she had a stroke and it fucked a lot of things up.
i guess i havent been thinking about it that much
but its tomorrow
and i guess nows the time to.
i really dont understand how god can exist.
sorry...
my mind ran away for a minute.
id rather just let it run
if thats ok with you.
cars broken
getting hair dyed
lost my job
lost something else
love my friends
disapointed by her
disapointed by him
so happy
these things dont last
shut up
youre getting married
garden state soundtrack
feeling awkard
feeling fat
feeling like a superhero
let down
misunderstood
changing
loving
i cant understand
i can understand
he cant understand
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
drunk
high
hungover
look forward
sad
look backward
smile
that pretty much sums up my life lately.
i guess im back
like the backstreet boys
except i dont have millions of fan girls
wanting to sleep with me...
yet.
sigh.
|
|
| all my words were bound to fail |
[30 Dec 2005|11:10am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
garden state soundtrack |
] |
so i have decided
(yes i know this is like the third time i've done this)
i'm going to stop writing in here
because everything i want to say
is fucked up.
and because i dont write down word for word
what i do everyday in this
i write down feelings
and emotions
and even those are fucked up.
i dont write about other people
i lost an amazing friend doing so a while ago
now if i have a problem with someone
i generally talk to the person about it
and lately ive been reading peoples live journals
and they make me sick to my stomach.
if anyone ever has any problems/concerns with me
talk to ME about it
and if you have any problems/concerns in general
that you would like to TALK about
then lets talk.
we are alive
we are living
why cant we act like it for once?
so i guess this is goodbye (old pal)
(i'll see you soon again
i hope that when i do
it wont be on a plate.)
until i have something uplifting/intellegent to say
something worthy for someone to read
which i guarentee will not be anytime soon.
|
|
| it's a luscious mix of words and tricks that let us bet when you know we should fold... |
[29 Dec 2005|12:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
garden state soundtrack! |
] |
i dont know how to get mad
i just get sad
its really bothersome
why should i try
why?
seriously
why
should
i
try?
this isnt worth it
but then again i live and breathe on the theory that
nothing is worth it
like robyn said that oprah said
if you dont expect anything
then you cant get hurt...
so thats what i have been doing
not expecting anything
and i dont care about it as much
i dont care that we were suppose to hang out
and that he has his house to himself for a week
honestly
that doesnt bother me
what bothers me is thinking that i deserve better...
thinking that i deserve anything
because...everyone who knows me
know that i never feel like i deserve anything
so now im thinking
i am better than him...
and i'm really not.
we are all people
and some people fit
and some people dont
we fit
but...
is it just me
or is it that when you try to make things fit
it gets fucked up?
whatev
i guess everyone disapoints
so i guess its back to the whole
dont expect anything.
guards back up.
...woo hoo...
ding ding
go round two.
aaaaaaaaaaand not to be
a totay downer...
p.s.
love my friends
p.s.s.
love my family
p.p.s.
love myself
|
|
| bah..humbug? |
[26 Dec 2005|01:25am] |
|
*this just in*
i hate my body
i hate my face
i hate my tripple chin
i hate my stomach
i hate my roots
i like everything on the inside...
so why do i feel so cheated?
i feel like i'll never get to experience
what it feels like to be beautiful on the outside.
and it consumes my mind
it makes it so that i cant enjoy
simple fun moments
laughter
cause im a fatty mc fat fat.
i got a camera for christmas
lets just say that i'm glad i will be the one behind it for once.
sigh.
i know this entry should be about how joyess today was
and yesterday
and dont get me wrong
my life has joy
but sometimes
its just really hard to en...joy... it
when you just feel too ugly for the world.
seriously
until i lose like
20 pounds
and dye my hair...
i dont want to be near anyone.
anyway
to not be a total downer
love to all
peace and stuff
love peace love peace hope
faith...
words of cheer.
goodnight.
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| to days of inspiration |
[23 Dec 2005|02:06am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
o town...hehe..all or nothing |
] |
lately...
ive been forgetting
that my original big dream
was to become a writer...
i went looking back on some of my poems
and short stories today...
some of which were not half bad.
i wish i could go back in time
and be that good.
so i'm going to write more
and just see what comes out of me...
honesty in the form of facial expressions
that only i can read
part of me is glad that you have no words
to describe these feelings
and part of me just wants to hear it.
you've kissed me and given me your breath
a part of your life...
let me see the other parts
let me hear other parts
let me feel other parts
without my hands or lips
or bones or skin
i'd like to wake up next to
someone i know
next time
better than a smile
that i have to read and realize
you are everything that i want
because that is what i see
when you look
at me
but what would i see
if you really said something
besides
"nothing" ?
its always
just...nothing.
|
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| i like this. |
[20 Dec 2005|02:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
smiley |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
concrete sky- beth orton |
] |
i forgot how good it feels
to feel someone smile
while you are kissing them.
|
|
| theres not a lot for you to feel if youre not feeling it. |
[13 Dec 2005|07:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sleepy and confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tegan and sara- fix you up |
] |
so many of you have heard this story...
but i do know that some of you who read this have not
so here is the short version:
party
drinking
kristen gets really sick feeling
lays down
julie comes in
asks me if i need a wet wash cloth
asks me what hurts
my head or my stomach...
i say
no
thats not what hurts
she says
what hurts?
i say
my heart hurts.
she asks if i need a wet wash cloth for my heart.
i do not remember any of this
and although i laughed histerically when i heard it...
i cant help but wonder...
why does my heart hurt?
|
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| if you want me why cant you get closer? |
[11 Dec 2005|05:21pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cake- never there |
] |
so the plays went pretty well
looking back on the past couple of weeks...
i dont know
it just seems like nothing happened...
but when i compare the start of the semester
to this point
everything has changed.
its weird how everything flows
and even when its not smooth...
how you can get around the bumps by taking a different path
you know?
you dont?
ok..
whatev
next semester will be fun as well
we've made some pretty awesome new friends
and i'm going to be the lead in the next play...
i'm excited.
i try not to look like it or act like it
because i dont want anyone to get mad at me
but i def am
so the only thing i kinda regret is
not hanging out with everyone as much during the play...
but at the same time
i dont because travis and i are getting closer
but in a weird way.
like
we havent hung out together yet...coughsobercough...
but he calls me and we talk for hours
something that never happened when we first went out
so i'm trying this "dating thing"
for now
we'll see how it goes...
and now that the plays over i can separate the two things
so that each can be equally as enjoyable.
so i have to do 2 monologues on friday
i have one down
and i had no idea what to do for the second
so i went to my community for free writing
and i chose two old freewrites that i did...
i'm thinking of doing one.
which one would be better?
free write #1
I am extra cold and these blankets, though there are so many, not one of them is living. not one of them is breathing and not one of them even attempts to be. it’s easier to lie here and know you will only have one purpose in life. i lay here thinking about how there can’t be one great meaning to life and i choke on the word meaning.
meanings change. you can say that you love me and then not see me for the next two years of your life and all of this repeats in my mind but it means so much less to me now…almost nothing…but it randomly come up.
meanings are stupid. but it did change me. i admit that i don’t know love, and when thinking about it i may not even know how to love but that will never stop me. other things stop me, but that will not stop me.
i write a lot in my head when things happen and then i forget my mind is not like paper. and then after that i even forget the things that happened.
i wrote this in my head today:
driving distractions. life outside the glass…
for my dad it was the mill pond.
for me it was the playground next to the mill pond.
i hit the brakes and i slowed down.
i stopped extra long at the stop sign
he turned his head and he slowed down…
and i felt like we were in some secret time machine looking through the windows that would allow us access to so many memories, so many feelings, of so much that has passed.
and passed has passed, they say.
parts of you have passed…at least they haven’t failed…
the tape on my wall is telling me that its time to give up useless memories, so used up they give way falling behind my bed. i’m not even in the pictures anymore. i’m on the bed watching them fall…watching them start becoming lost so one day i can change my room and find the long lost evidence of major changes.
but i see evidence all around me…sometimes not as clear as his smile in this picture…but to me it is even more evident.
nothing is permanent when it comes to memories. you tried to capture it all but really all you are capturing is moments in the memories.
posed or in motion it is captured and held as a captive and no matter how much ransomed tears you pay, you’ll never get them back.
does this bother you? it starts to with me sometimes… and i know not what to do except keep writing, keep going, keep in motion. sometimes i wish that nothing was held captive. and then i look at your faces…in a falling picture and smile. how can you not want to hold it?
not tonight.
…i let it fall.
free write #2
I wanted to be a writer. i wanted to be a dreamer, but i know that without one you cant be the other
they dont believe me. i dont care. i wish i could. i wish he would.
i get scared to see what i think might be the potential start of my heart breaking down.
to the very last beat till nothing moves or pumps or even tickles.
and a word here and there shouldnt make me feel so much.
a word here and there makes me smile and the sharp and pointy edges of that smile pop my bubble filled with memories. everything deflates out of me and i am just a trash bad.
a wrinkled pushed around trash bag, ripped left lying on a bed.
people walk by me and throw things in me, they throw them at me, trying to fill me up,
its just not what i need to lie around all day with this garbage inside of me.
its getting old. i'm getting old.
and i smile at how someone can mean nothing to me.
and i frown because its the only thing i can do, and still it reminds me of you.
what you said, what i said, what was said, and what was done.
nothing.
i never witnessed a person as lazy as you when you just stop something that could have been great all because your lack of life.
i wonder if it makes you sad. i wonder if you can feel sad. i wonder if you can feel at all and it makes me roll my eyes.
why do we have to wonder these things at all? we have mouths and brains. why are you so subtle when anything can be answered and anything can be asked?
(shake head)
I mean, here we are, sitting here, wasting.
here we are, sitting here wasted.
i'm not cutting them
because i forgot how
so deal.
oh and please leave a comment.
i guess thats all for now bitches.
see you soon.
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